urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyourguide beyourguide beyourguide 2005-06-24T02:38:26Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyourguide:683 2005-06-24T02:38:26Z 2005-06-24T02:38:26Z I am a porcelain doll. I am so fragile and delicate that the smallest fall will break me into hundreds of pieces. Please do not come near me. I am cold and I am trying so hard not feel the pain. Its not easy being trapped inside this hollow body. My eyes expressionless and empty. They do not move and they do not help me to see...only to look. If i let you close enough you will see that I am not cold at all. And I am not so pretty to look at and I can move but the hard skin and empty eyes are choosing to be that way. This is not a cruel punishment for living or a path I did not wish to take. I have full control of my heart that does exist. I have spent so long trying to mask the truth and to wrap myself up in silk dresses to blend in with the rest. If I do let you close enough to share all of this with you...I may want to come out but please...only let me do so if you will hold my pale hands until the end....if you will see me through until I am free. My only fear is that if you do not respect my wishes and if you do not hold me true, seeing me out with your caring eyes only to mask your true selfish sadistic motives..then I fear that I will lock myself in the coldest darkest lonliest closet of my mind....never to feel again. I fear that I may become so numb to this world and to my human emotions that I could never love. So please approach with sincere caution when the box is marked fragile. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyourguide:379 2005-06-24T01:53:30Z 2005-06-24T01:53:30Z I spent a good part of the day no the week staring at the phone. I was looking for a familiar voice. No one called or at least no one called that I wanted to hear from. That boy that makes me smile doesn't love me. It is scary to be alive sometimes and I want to be hopeful but its hard. I am lonely. I have never felt lonliness like this before. It breaks my heart to think about the rest of my life being silent. No ringing in the background and no one to make me smile. I am not afraid of ending up alone but I am afraid of waiting until I "end up" anywhere....